I have been blogging for more than a decade now, and mostly write about films that appeal to me and that I think/assume others will find appealing as well. Of course, there are some films that are average, but still have some bright spots like good acting that elevates the script or good songs in an okay-ish entertainer, good eye-candy and songs even if the film is most illogical...
And then, there are films that make you want to pull out every single hair on your head, or put your eyeballs out with a screwdriver – just plain bad films with regressive stories and/or plots that go nowhere. Of course, they sometimes yield the best reviews, but even that is not worth the three hours of my life that I will never get back!
So, in the interest of saving the time and sanity of my readers, here are a list of films that I regret watching. Be warned that this is a very subjective list and one man's meat being another man's poison, you may well like any or all of them. In which case, this post is not meant for you.
1. Bahar (1951)Starring Vyjayanthimala, Pandhari Bai, Karan Dewan and Pran
The cause of my downfall: Someone in the blogosphere once phrased this experience as "Following a good song into a bad movie." And that is exactly what happened to me; the song that caused my downfall was Shamshad Begum's Saiyyan dil mein aana re.
My reaction: Pandhari Bai had three and a half expressions, all of which consisted of widening her eyes in different ways. I spent most of the film wishing her character would succeed in committing suicide (and was even willing to help her on her way). The plot was inane, the 'hero' had all the personality of a dead fish, and I heaved a sigh of relief when the film ended.
My take: Here
2. Akashdeep (1965)Starring: Ashok Kumar, Dharmendra, Nimmi, Nanda
The cause of my downfall: It's directed by Phani Majumdar! It stars Ashok Kumar! Dharmendra! Nanda! Nimmi! And you say it's bad? Are you nuts?
My reaction: Yeah, well... there's so much 'trauma-drama' (as the late Bollyviewer used to say) in this film that, after a while, I gave up on this contrived tragedy. Ashok Kumar plays big brother – no, not the saintly type (that is Balraj Sahni, silly!) but someone who decides that wealth is the most important thing in life. [Of course he has to be villainish – heroes are usually men who flaunt their poverty as a virtue.]
Add a 'hero' who's a trade union leader (Dharmendra), a cross-dressing heroine [heroine no: 2] and a mute heroine (Nimmi), who keeps falling down the stairs [I thought she was mute, not blind!] plus, bucketloads of tragedy and what you get is Akashdeep.
Dustedoff's (hilarious) take: Here
3. Badi Bahen (1949)Starring: Suraiya, Geeta Bali, Rehman, Ulhas, Pran
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| Screenshot from memsaabstory.com |
The cause of my downfall: Going through Suraiya's filmography after watching her play a wonderful character in Jeet.
My reaction: There are films in which the women exult in being miserable, and fight tooth and nail to remain so. But, of course, they are held up as paragons of womanly virtue, the ideal Bharatiya Naris. Badi Bahen had all of it, and then upped the ante with melodrama, self-pity and [needless] self-sacrifice. By the end of it, I was sobbing softly into the cushion I'd wrapped around my head to prevent me getting a concussion from beating it repeatedly against a wall.
Memsaab's public service announcement: Here
As a corollary, do not watch any film whose title is that of a female relation – Bhabhi, Chhoti Bahen, etc., [both reviewed by Dustedoff. As she says, good songs do not a good movie make!] or anything to do with marriage – Doli, Dulhan [reviewed by Dustedoff and Memsaab, respectively], Suhagan, etc.
Be warned, unless you want to learn life lessons from Hindi films. [Especially the second part.]
4. Nagin (1954)Starring: Vyjayanthimala, Pradeep Kumar
The cause of my downfall: This was a case of following not just one song, but a plethora of good songs into a mess of a movie. And, Vyjayanthimala, of course.
My reaction: What starts off as a Romeo-Juliet love story set among two tribes of snake charmers ends up in a cockamamie twist that comes out of nowhere. The film sinks into a morass in the last hour with little hope of recovery. It also jumps from black & white to colour, the art director goes crazy with the sets, and five of the film's 13 songs come within minutes of each other. And yes, Vyjayanthimala turns into Cleopatra. (Don't ask!)
Take my advice: Just watch the songs on YouTube!
My take: Here.
5. Jeevan Jyoti (1953)Starring: Shammi Kapoor, Chand Usmani
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| Screenshot from memsaabstory.com |
The cause of my downfall: Why, Shammi, why?
My reaction: You thought only women could become maudlin and melodramatic? Wait until you watch Shammi Kapoor in this, his first film. I watched this for Shammi. Big mistake. This is one of those films that make me want to cut my throat with a blunt knife. And poor Shammi goes insane – can't blame him; I'm not sure I didn't go crazy after watching it!
If you still want to know more about the 'story', here's Memsaab's take.
6. Dilli ka Thug (1958)Starring: Kishore Kumar, Nutan
The cause of my downfall: Great songs, a lovely Nutan, what's not to like, you ask?
My reaction: I would like to forget this film ever existed! This was a film where the last 45 minutes were the only good part of it, but by then it was too little, too late. Until then, the plot careens madly across the screen, with no semblance of sense or coherence. If you like Kishore Kumar's manic energy, go ahead and watch it. But if you want to know what I really, really thought of this film, read my take: Here.
7. Chandan ka Palna (1967)Starring: Meena Kumari, Dharmendra
Where do I even begin? Meena Kumari's character falls in love with Dharmendra's. They get married, only for Meena to realise later that she's infertile. ['Barren' being a fate worse than death for a Bharatiya Nari.] Soooo... do they adopt? Come to terms with the fact that they may not have children but are happy nevertheless because they love each other? Noooooooooo!
Meena decides that to fulfil her mother-in-law's desire for a grandchild, she must a) pretend to be a 'modern' woman by exchanging her saris for tight shararas and her long hair for short (or a wig), drinking, swearing, [oh, the horror!], etc., so her husband will divorce her b) pray that her husband's second wife will bear him a child c) be rewarded for her pativrata-ness by having the second wife die in childbirth, and all revealed at the end so her husband can remarry her and they can raise the child together.
'nuff said!
8. Bhai-Bhai (1956)Starring: Ashok Kumar, Kishore Kumar, Nirupa Roy, Nimmi
The cause of my downfall: I lay the blame squarely on Madan Mohan and Geeta Dutt, I do! If it hadn't been for Ae dil zara bata de, I would never have watched this film!
My reaction: It is full of lessons on how to be a good wife and find happiness in serving your husband. Lakshmi (Nirupa Roy) not only removes her husband's shoes and presses his legs while he sleeps, but also sings lullabies so he can sleep! That's what good wives do! And no matter what her husband does or how he treats her, she always wants him to return to her [so she can untie his shoes and press his legs again, I assume?] Madan Mohan deserved better.
p.s. To women: Your husband is always right, especially when he's wrong.
My take: Here
9. Basant (1960)Starring: Nutan, Shammi Kapoor
The reason for my downfall: Two good-looking leads – I mean, Shammi Kapoor, damnit! – great songs, a plot that's a cross between It Happened One Night and An Affair to Remember.
My/Our reaction: So, why did we wish for the movie to end?
Frankly speaking, the only reason both Shalini and I saw the movie through was because we were doing a watchalong, and could alleviate our frustration somewhat by ranting to each other. First, the good: Nutan and Shammi were so good together; they had an easy camaraderie that translated into great chemistry on screen. But... the romance between them Just. Did. Not. Work.
Johnny Walker, whom we both love, was irritating as hell and we wished him there. The climax went on and on. And on. It finally wore down to its weary end, and we both heaved a sigh of relief.
Read Shalini's and my take: Here.
10. Dil Ne Phir Yaad Kiya (1966)Starring: Nutan, Dharmendra, Rehman
The reason for my downfall: The aforementioned cast, and a song.
My reaction: The film begins with a dedication to "Friendship between man and man which knows no barriers of caste, religion or language."
That should have been a warning as to what this film was setting out to do. Which, by the way, apart from all that is wrong with it, made the cardinal sin of not being entertaining either. I have much to say about this horribly regressive film that made me see red, but fellow bloggers Memsaab and Dustedoff have already done their bits.
Memsaab's rant: Here
Dustedoff's take: Here
Honourable mentions include Adalat [filled with the unending trials and tribulations of being a woman], despite Madan Mohan's fantastic score, and the iconic Mother India, which, frankly, I couldn't wait for the end.
Which films would you consider in the 'Avoid, yaar!' category? Do add your choices to this 'Don't Watch!' list.
p.s. 1: Back when I had written a post on Five Classics I Would Like to Rewrite, my soul sister, Dustedoff had written a post on Ten Hindi Films You Mustn't Watch. We have both taken 'one for the team', so if you wish to save both time and sanity, head over there as well.
p.s. 2: My eternal gratitude to both Dustedoff and Memsaab for the reviews they posted; while they didn't save me from the torture of watching those films, they allowed me to laugh in shared misery. In linking them here, I hope you will find some sorely needed humour as well.
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