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12 May 2017

In Pursuit of Mediocrity – A Review in Rhyme

A recap: Sometime blog reader Shalini had recommended Leap Year as a cure for my doldrums. Since the film starred Amy Adams, I’d no trouble getting my husband to sit and watch it with me. At the end of it, though, S recovered from having willingly borne the horrors of a critically-panned rom-com by searching frantically for some 'manly' [mindless] action film. Browsing channels, he fortuitously came across a sci-fi horror film known as the Piranhaconda – which, according to him was the illegitimate offspring of a piranha and an anaconda. (Don’t. Even. Ask.)

As is usual with my husband, the muse struck in the middle of watching that unadulterated bilge, and he tossed off a few lines. Correctly interpeting my gasps as that of laughter, and not my dying ones, he promised me a 'pome'. 

That was a few weeks ago. The poem continued to ferment in his brain, but the muse, as he confessed, wasn't being very supportive. And of course, real life, in the form of work, intruded. Finally, last week, feeling the pressure of my deadline –he claims –he sat down at his desk with fevered brow, and inspiration and perspiration colluded to provide this magnificent ode to a magnificent creature –even if one that was borne of someone's fevered imagination.

So. Here. Dedicated to Shalini, and the mutual pursuit of mediocrity, I unveil a ‘Sadu Pome’ on the travails of the Piranhaconda. Please be warned that clicking on the links may lead to unexpected consequences like death by laughter, or a permanent imprint of QWERTY on your forehead.

You read – and click – at your own risk. This blog, its owner (a.k.a me), SSW, Shalini, et al, shall be indemnified against any consequence thereof.

The watching of the Piranhaconda - a film review of sorts
One late evening when the sun was low
And winter's chill had yet to go
We sat down to watch a romantic comedy
One starring a certain Adams (Amy)

t'was recommmended, said the spouse,
By a friend. So do not grouse.
It’s got your red-head anyway,
So kindly watch and do not neigh.

It went along as rom-coms will
At the end Jack got his Jill
But all that romantic yearning
Left a vague uneasy feeling…

The heart yearned for some gore,
A bit of blood, and then some more…
And so I scanned - remote in hand
And came upon
The ‘Piranhaconda!

Who has nice bright yellow teeth?
Who is the chap you don't want to meet
In a dark lake or even a lighted street?
The Piranhaconda!

Who bites helicopters flying thirty feet above?
(You'd think the pilot would be a sensible cove)
A 100 miles is the required distance
To keep from a film made on a pittance,
As was
The Piranhaconda!

Who chases scientists, and gangsters too?
Who eats flower girls and film crews?
(It looks like it's a closet critic too.)
Who will rip you asunda
And have you for its dinnah?

Who moves faster than the eye can see?
(But poses for closeups very, very slowly…)
And chases cars and boats over land and sea
And prefers the contents of a family to an SUV?
The Piranhaconda!

When it comes to marital discourse
Who thinks nothing of eating its spouse?
(I can see how some men would prefer,
 And welcome it as a family counselor)
The Piranhaconda!

And at the end there was the begining
The piranhacondas were dead to our thinking
The lovers were kissing, when oh!
The horror, the horror!
No... oh, no!

At once I knew
Before I bid it adieu
There would be a
Piranhaconda 2
                                            – Sadanand Warrier

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